**Note: this is what I wrote out the night before the wedding . . . not necessarily what actually came out of my mouth on the wedding day.**
Hello everyone. As most of you know, I’m Sharon’s big sister . . . "big" sister . . . hahaha
I’ve
been wracking my brain trying to think of what to say in this speech
ever since Sharon told me she was getting married. As you know, Will
and Sharon got engaged after a whirlwind 4 month courtship. So I didn’t
really have any fun anecdotes to share about their relationship at the
ready in my head - in fact, I had only met Will once, and that was when
he flew out to California for 23 hours. (Fortunately, I have gotten to
spend more time with him in the past year and a half, and I can truly
say welcome to the family) So, instead, I will use this time to tell Will
about the fabulous family he is marrying into . . . and of course, the
amazing woman that he is marrying: my sister.
Will
- Sharon is one of the most beautiful, warm and loving human beings to
ever walk the planet. She’s not just my sister, but also one of my best
friends. As most people here can attest, Sharon and I are very close
and we share some fantastic memories, replete with inside jokes, some of
which I shall now divulge to you . . . because really, what kind of big
sister would I be if I didn’t bring up some fun, and maybe slightly
embarrassing stories with 100 of our closest friends and family?
Did
you know, Will, that I predicted Sharon would marry you? Oh yes, I did! Except, your name at the time was Orlo Yazzi. I don’t know if you ever played this
game when you were a kid, but Sharon and I used to do this all the time.
You bend the pop tab on a soda can back and forth until it falls off
and as you’re doing this, you go through the alphabet. Whatever letter
the tab falls off on, is the first initial of the person you are going
to marry. Then you do it again, and that letter is the first initial of
the last name of the person you are going to marry. One time on a
camping trip, Sharon got an O and a Y. I decided to think up the most
ridiculous name possible: Orlo Yazzi. I think I might have even come up
with some sort of silly song to tease Sharon about it. I was thinking
about this story the other night, and honestly, you kind of look like I
had always imagined Orlo Yazzi to look! So there we go, on the advice
of Dr. Pepper and Mr. Squirt, I predicted Sharon would marry you even
though I didn’t even know you.
Now
I will leave you with one final story. There was one summer I went out
to New York to visit Sharon. She was living up near Washington
Heights, which for those of you who don’t know, is a relatively rough
neighborhood. Her apartment was great - it was just the neighborhood
was a bit rough around the edges. Anyway, we had had a long day walking
all over New York City and wanted to just have a quiet night in with
some wine. We went to the corner liquor store looking for some
Chardonnay. This was one of those liquor stores where the guy running
the store is behind bulletproof glass and you have to tell him what you
want and then he slides it to you through a little door in the glass.
So anyway, Sharon and I were there trying to decide on a bottle of
Chardonnay, which is surprisingly difficult to do when you can’t pick up
and examine the bottles. And this man, holding a bottle of Hennesy
that he had just purchased, came up to us and asked what we were looking
for.
We said, "Umm, some Chardonnay?"
He says, "Chardo-wha? What is that?"
We said, "Wine."
He says, “Wiiiiiiine???? I don’t
think I’ve ever had wine before. So, tell me about this wiiiine - is it
going to make me feel like a new man? Or is it going to get me f***ed
up? Because I ain’t looking to feel like a new man!”
We bought our
wine and laughed all the way home.
So,
in honor of that man in that liquor store so many moons ago, let’s all
raise our own glasses of wiiine (or whatever you have), and I will say
this, “Just like a fine wine, marriage should only get better with age
and maturity, so I hope every day of your marriage ‘makes you feel like a
new man.’ (or woman as the case may be).” Welcome to the family. Cheers!
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