**Note: this is what I wrote out the night before the wedding . . . not necessarily what actually came out of my mouth on the wedding day.**
Hello everyone. As most of you know, I’m Sharon’s big sister . . . "big" sister . . . hahaha
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of what to say in this speech ever since Sharon told me she was getting married. As you know, Will and Sharon got engaged after a whirlwind 4 month courtship. So I didn’t really have any fun anecdotes to share about their relationship at the ready in my head - in fact, I had only met Will once, and that was when he flew out to California for 23 hours. (Fortunately, I have gotten to spend more time with him in the past year and a half, and I can truly say welcome to the family) So, instead, I will use this time to tell Will about the fabulous family he is marrying into . . . and of course, the amazing woman that he is marrying: my sister.
Will - Sharon is one of the most beautiful, warm and loving human beings to ever walk the planet. She’s not just my sister, but also one of my best friends. As most people here can attest, Sharon and I are very close and we share some fantastic memories, replete with inside jokes, some of which I shall now divulge to you . . . because really, what kind of big sister would I be if I didn’t bring up some fun, and maybe slightly embarrassing stories with 100 of our closest friends and family?
Did you know, Will, that I predicted Sharon would marry you? Oh yes, I did! Except, your name at the time was Orlo Yazzi. I don’t know if you ever played this game when you were a kid, but Sharon and I used to do this all the time. You bend the pop tab on a soda can back and forth until it falls off and as you’re doing this, you go through the alphabet. Whatever letter the tab falls off on, is the first initial of the person you are going to marry. Then you do it again, and that letter is the first initial of the last name of the person you are going to marry. One time on a camping trip, Sharon got an O and a Y. I decided to think up the most ridiculous name possible: Orlo Yazzi. I think I might have even come up with some sort of silly song to tease Sharon about it. I was thinking about this story the other night, and honestly, you kind of look like I had always imagined Orlo Yazzi to look! So there we go, on the advice of Dr. Pepper and Mr. Squirt, I predicted Sharon would marry you even though I didn’t even know you.
Now I will leave you with one final story. There was one summer I went out to New York to visit Sharon. She was living up near Washington Heights, which for those of you who don’t know, is a relatively rough neighborhood. Her apartment was great - it was just the neighborhood was a bit rough around the edges. Anyway, we had had a long day walking all over New York City and wanted to just have a quiet night in with some wine. We went to the corner liquor store looking for some Chardonnay. This was one of those liquor stores where the guy running the store is behind bulletproof glass and you have to tell him what you want and then he slides it to you through a little door in the glass. So anyway, Sharon and I were there trying to decide on a bottle of Chardonnay, which is surprisingly difficult to do when you can’t pick up and examine the bottles. And this man, holding a bottle of Hennesy that he had just purchased, came up to us and asked what we were looking for.
We said, "Umm, some Chardonnay?"
He says, "Chardo-wha? What is that?"
We said, "Wine."
He says, “Wiiiiiiine???? I don’t think I’ve ever had wine before. So, tell me about this wiiiine - is it going to make me feel like a new man? Or is it going to get me f***ed up? Because I ain’t looking to feel like a new man!”
We bought our wine and laughed all the way home.
So, in honor of that man in that liquor store so many moons ago, let’s all raise our own glasses of wiiine (or whatever you have), and I will say this, “Just like a fine wine, marriage should only get better with age and maturity, so I hope every day of your marriage ‘makes you feel like a new man.’ (or woman as the case may be).” Welcome to the family. Cheers!